when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
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cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina