When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?

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You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.


Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”

Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”


How To Make Lemon Squares:

Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox


Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.


ME: What’s the capital of Germany?


ME: So college is a no then?!


I’m on hold. My call is important to them.


I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.


Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.


My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”

That was last night and I still haven’t recovered