@clintwebster

When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?

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@LizHackett

You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.

@stephenjmolloy

Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”

Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”

@katiecalmdown

How To Make Lemon Squares:

Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox

@GianDoh

Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.

@sofarrsogud

ME: What’s the capital of Germany?

SON: G

ME: So college is a no then?!

@mzeld

I’m on hold. My call is important to them.

@Quartzjixler

I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.

@AlyssaDiSalle

Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.

@jakery

My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”

That was last night and I still haven’t recovered