When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
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WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
rich people when they have to pay taxes
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”