When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
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My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”