when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
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People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
im all 3
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.