When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
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[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.