When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
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me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps