When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
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Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.