When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
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Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute