When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
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My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
And bowling should be called pinball
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.