When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
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Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
Every damn time