When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
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It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total