When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
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I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
My blood type is coffee.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP