When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
You Might Also Like
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait