When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
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Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
Just as the prophecy foretold
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies