When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
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I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.