When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
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St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine