@nothxdoolx my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
@YesImMatt When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
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@nothxdoolx 
@HatfieldAnne We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
@5hael I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
@ProdigyNelson [date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
@_tomcashman Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
@BabyFishMouth5 People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
@BobGolen The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
@Home_Halfway HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
@MumInBits 5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
@SondraDeeMe ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm