When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
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dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
Now, where’s the sport in that?
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises