When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
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[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
Bread puns are on the rise!
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.