when revenge coincides with naptime
You Might Also Like
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
mood
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*