when robert pattinson was introduced to snapchat filters
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If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
this makes me so uncomfortable
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
They were playing soft rock in the bank earlier so I called it ‘Debt Metal’ lol and then the teller stabbed me in the hand with her pen.
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this