when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
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Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
absolutely not
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.