When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
You Might Also Like
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.