when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
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Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!