When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
You Might Also Like
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.