When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
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“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.