When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
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Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
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Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump