When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
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My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”