When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
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Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it