When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
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My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.