@PaulyPeligroso

When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.

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@NikiWithIssues

I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?

@jferg1616

Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”

@mjkspeaks

[argument w/girlfriend]

HER: you know what your problem is?

ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out

@Thynebear

Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.

@BerrymoreBlue

Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?

Me: “Cadbury eggs.”

@julezmac

“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy

@mcdadstuff

Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.

@Death_Buddy

When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating

@3sunzzz

20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.

30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.

40s: What thread count are your sheets?

@PMTheron1

I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.