When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
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Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
S O O N
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?