@iAmDelFreaky

When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”

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@timdonakowski

Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.

@Jayson_Two_time

An app..

An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.

-Twitters new slogan

@JasonNotEvil

Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!

Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.

Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..

Uh oh…..

@What_Idiot_

What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”

@TheTweetOfGod

America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.

@DanMentos

Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen

@ACartoonCat

Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.

Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.

@OakHill_

Instead of a tweet up,

I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains

You know…

A Couples Retweet