When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”

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Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.


An app..

An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.

-Twitters new slogan


Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!

Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.

Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..

Uh oh…..


What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”


America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.


Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen


Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.

Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.


Instead of a tweet up,

I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains

You know…

A Couples Retweet