When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
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I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
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A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me