When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
You Might Also Like
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
$4 #usedbooks
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.