When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
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If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
Ah yes. The three genders
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
The opposite of goth is stopth.