When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
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if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.