When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
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why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
So many pants.
So little yoga.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.