When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
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I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that