When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
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Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors