When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
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If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
Remember folks 😂
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.