@thenoahkinsey

When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny

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@CherBear162

There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.

@DothTheDoth

I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.

@rcromwell4

Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.

@Chandio_Pablito

I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.

@liamoryan

Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open

@NintenDom

Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.

@nthonyswan

Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.

@zacharyflynn

You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.

@mxmclain

Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down