When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
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4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.