When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
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Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
Husband of the year 😂
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.