When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
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[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
Autocarrot sucks!
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts