me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
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HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”