When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
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[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
Morning my dudes.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
he was correct
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement