when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
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In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
this came to me in a vision
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
December birthdays be like…
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?