When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
You Might Also Like
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
is nasa ok
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.