When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
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In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman