When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
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The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER