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genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
F.Y.I. You pee on a jellyfish sting not a jelly stain.
Again my apologies to the lady at the IHOP this morning.
A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.