When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
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[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.