When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
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I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.