When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
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“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE